The first step would be to acknowledge one thing: the fight against illegal music downloading — pointless. Say what you will, but the battle against illegal downloading is like telling people not to smoke pot; everyone is going to do it regardless. In a world consumed with corporate greed, everybody knows that most labels barely pay their artists anyway — and nobody wants to give money to suits. That copyright infringement lawsuit the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) had against Limewire in effort to scare off P2P services, I instead would have used that money to adopt a new business model, one that compliments the organic buying habits of the public.
So how does one get people to buy vinyl when it’s been around forever and only few people give a shit? The same way people have been convinced to buy bottled water instead of drinking from the faucet.
Meet Bill, an imaginary character who wears a nice suit, and is amongst the ranks of head honchos at a huge company, e.g. the RIAA.
Bill understands that people want organic goods; vinyl is the most organic music format. They want to download music for free then put it on their iPods. And nobody wants to buy CDs, because they suck! It only makes sense to sell the public vinyl records packaged with digital tracks, which they’ll download for free anyway. But first, vinyl needs to be in demand; it needs to have value.
Bill, who owns a fancy Mercedes with a love juice-scented back seat, initiates his plot to seduce the public into buying vinyl records by first hitting up his pals who are screenwriters. He gives the screenwriters lots of money and bitches to present in their scripts the idea of how music on vinyl is organic, and that vinyl is an experience, something you can’t get anywhere else. The screenwriters also use gramophones in their scripts as product placement, because gramophones are cool, and girls dig dudes that dig gramophones. Imagine in The Social Network if Mark Zuckerberg had one in his dorm, and the Asian chick London got turned on by it. Nerds everywhere would be buying LPs!
During Bill’s weekly Monday manicure, he’s on the phone with an influential local government official explaining the positive environmental effects of recycling PVC, one of the most widely used plastics. Bill, with the support of pro-environment organizations, is lobbying for a statewide program that makes PVC recycling affordable, and sets up PVC recycling centers in local communities. Bill is also working with these organizations on grassroots campaigns and public service announcements to bring awareness to the environmental benefits of recycling PVC. Bill persuades the government official to endorse the program, which also offers financial incentives to companies that use recycled PVC for their products.
Now that Bill has political support for PVC recycling, he calls up his homie Bob at an influential audio replication company that presses vinyl. He proposes to Bob that the company begin using recycled PVC — in conjunction with eco-friendly packaging — for their vinyl records. He explains how the government will give them X amount of dollars to do so, which would save money on production costs. He hooks Bob up with a number to a PVC recycling company that will sell them the recycled plastic needed in manufacturing records. Knowing that the company is a leader in the audio manufacturing world, Bill understands that other replication companies will immediately follow suit, in order to stay in competition.
Following Lady Gaga’s Rolling Stone feature article on her love for recycled vinyl, her obsession with gramophones, and the importance of going green — yes, Bill set that up too — public demand for LPs sees a dramatic increase. Though people are still downloading music for free, the value and demand for an organic music format is stronger than ever. Record player and gramophone sales have sky-rocked, especially amongst males, where gramophones have now become a symbol of sex, thanks to movie product placements, and London thinking that dudes who own gramophones are hot.
The music industry has been saved.
Whether or not vinyl is in fact the saving grace of the music industry, two things are for certain: any major changes in society will always start from the grassroots, and — industry or not — music will always exist. We listen to music because of how it makes us feel. It’s the same reason why people watch movies; it triggers emotions, enables you to look at life through different lenses, and makes a person feel less alone in their fucked up thoughts. Music allows humans to separate time periods, forces you to see colors that don’t exist in the spectrum, and when stoned, you can swim through waves of energy. The best way to watch a movie is on a big screen; the best way to experience music is on vinyl.
As for Bill, he recently ditched his Mercedes and sold his mansion in the Hollywood Hills. Turns out, he secretly invested money in thousands of PVC recycling centers across the US. Remember that phone number he gave to Bob? It was to his company, that sly dog. The mofo now lives on a boat, and watches countless reruns of How I Met Your Mother.
…dary.